Valley Speak
THE NAKED MILE UNDERGROUND
(AS INTERPRETED BY VALLEY
GIRLS)
THE TRUE STORY OF A YOUNG MAN, HIS CAMCORDER AND
ABOUT 500 NAKED WOMEN...
THE NAKED MILE
UNDERGROUND
Remember when you were a kid and those ads for x-ray
glasses held
the elusive dream that maybe, if you wore them
right, you might actually see thru girls clothes
as they walked down the street? Like, I am so sure!
Well, if you were as foolish as I was, and
spent your hard-earned paper route money because of
some ad in a comic book, you scoped
out the hard way that the darn things didn't work.
Hi, I'm Mark Teitel. I'm
an independant filmaker and not too long
ago I witnessed an event
that not only made me forget my
frustrating childhood and
those bogus glasses but absolutely
surpassed every fantasy
I've ever totally had about seeing teenage
heifers without any
clothes on.
The Naked Mile, as it
totally has come to be known, celebrates the
end of classes and the
ascension of spring at the University of
Michigan in Muffin Arbor.
With the onset of graduation and the
prospects of summer vacations looming large, the
kids get a little crazy and do something
they've probably never done before...and most likely
never will again--get totally nude and run
around town.
The Naked Mile was like, you know, started in the
mid 80's. Originally it was like, you know,
just a bunch of guys running around as part of a
campus prank. But as the 90's unfolded,
something unprecedented started happening - more and
more females began participating.
Like, gag me with a spoon! And now, in 1997,
literally hundreds of beautiful young girls, at
the peak of their sexual vitality go bouncing like,
you know, about the streets of Muffin Arbor
for about an hour wearing nothing but Nikes and a
smile Like, the forbidden dream totally
had finally come true- It was like, you know, like
having my very own private view of the
GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM. Not Hollywood's version-the real
thing!
Some of the heifers are elegant-tall and slender.
Others are curvaceous and big-breasted with
firm bodies Like, the amazing thing was that they
were just hanging around totally naked for
me to feast my eyes on. I couldn't get enough.
There is totally just no way words can describe the
scene that night. Like, duh! You simply
totally have to see it to believe it. I filmed this
event for my own personal viewing enjoyment,
but every dweeb that's totally had a chance to see
it wants his own copy Anyway... So out of
all the footage I shot that night, I totally have
put together an underground film-The Naked
Mile Underground 1.0. Running just under 40 minutes,
it is totally now available for purchase
exclusively on the net.
The video totally has one close-up after another of
bubbly, young college heifers entirely
naked from head to toe. After the run, many of the
heifers stopped to get dressed. I caught
them on tape totally nude as they began dressing -
pulling up panties and hooking up bras.
I totally feel like I captured all the tension in
Muffin Arbor that night...There's the throngs
lining the streets, anticipating the imminent
arrival of the runners Like, then the rush,
excitement and explosion of energy as the heifers
lope their way through the crowd in all their
naked glory. A few of these heifers even appear to
be blushing!!
Bitchin'
I freely roamed in the midst of these events and let
me tell you watching this video makes it
feel like you could reach out and touch someone.
Through the magic of video technology, and
a halfway decent video editor, I put together a few
slow motion profiles of some of the truly
outstanding girls. This is totally definitely not to
be missed. Those x-ray glasses could never
show you anything like this.
In fact, even though I was like, you know, there,
it's hard
to believe that something like this could actually
happen
in public... But it did.
The best description I've heard of this event is
totally that
it's like a modern-day fertility dance Sooo, like,
this film
I've put together shames every sleazy X-rated skin
flick ever made Like, the runners are not
silicone-dependent dancers.
Let me ask you a question - If you were lucky enough
to date a totally cute fox as a teenager,
how long did it take before you got to see her
totally naked? Like, I am so sure! A week? Like,
I am so sure! A Month?? Like, I am so sure! Never???
Like, gag me with a spoon! And if you did,how many
dinners and drinks did it cost you before
those dreams came true? Like, I am so sure! I know
what my answer would be to those
questions and it's not something to brag about.
Well, in this one film you'll see more totally
fresh and innocent college heifers totally naked at
one time than most dweebs have seen in
their entire lives. It shows exactly how those
sweet-looking little college heifers I used to
wonder like, you know, about actually look like in
the shower.
Watch it with someone you
love or heck...watch it with the dweebs Take it from
me--Like, duh! You'll watch it again and
again..
So okay, I was at the mall, when this total dork
came up to me and started freaking out, so, I
like totally told him to gag me!
Anyway... Thanks for visiting the Naked Mile
Underground Website. Hope you'll check out
the film.
Oh and one more thing...No matter how happy and
fulfilled you like, you know, totally turn
into in life... Like, duh! You will never, ever tire
of viewing perky teenage heifers running
around naked--All from the comfort of your own
living room.
Happy viewing,
Mark Teitel
A PORTION OF THE NAKED MILE
SILVER COLLECTION PAGE...IN VALLEY SPEAK!
WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I'D WALK DOWN THE STREET
AND WONDER WHAT
EACH CUTE GIRL THAT PASSED BY LOOKED LIKE TOTALLY
NAKED. HOW WOULD
THEIR BREASTS APPEAR LIBERATED FROM THAT BRA? Like,
I am so sure! THEIR
NIPPLES - WERE THEY PINK OR BROWN? Like, I am so
sure! AND HOW BIG?
THEN I'D THINK ABOUT THEIR BELLY BUTTON, THEIR
THIGHS, AND, OF COURSE,
THAT PRECIOUS GOLDEN TRIANGLE BETWEEN
THEIR LEGS.
AND TO THINK THAT WHOLE GAGGLES OF GIRLS, EVEN
PRETTIER THAN THE
ONES I FANTASIZED ABOUT WERE JUST STROLLING BY, ONE
AFTER ANOTHER, IN
AN ENDLESS STREAM OF NAKEDNESS... WELL IT ALMOST
BRINGS TEARS TO MY
EYES.
TO ORDER Like, totally
press this.
QUESTIONS??? Like, I am so sure! FEEL FREE TO
DWEEB-MAIL (please, like I am
SO sure, we valley girls use
the phone) ME!
AND FINALLY...WHAT IF NEWSPAPER
REPORTERS REALLY WERE VALLEY GIRLS??
Footage of Naked Mile to air on public access
cable channel
Those who missed the Naked Mile when
it occurred on April 23 now totally have another
opportunity
to watch it on the Community
Television Network, cable Channel 9, any day this
week. Airing of the
program totally has like been daily
since Sunday. Richard Naden, an Muffin Arbor
resident, submitted
a home video of the run to the public
access channel, which agrees to show any program
submitted by
an Muffin Arbor resident. Channel 9
totally does not
being shown all over the television,"
said LSA senior Andrea Porter. Lieutenant Pam Whess
of the
Muffin Arbor Police Department said
that anything in the public venue could be shown on
television as
long as the channel's guidelines allow
it. Whess said the Muffin Arbor Police Department is
totally
working to eliminate the Naked Mile
entirely and this is totally the type of evidence it
could use to
reinforce its argument. "Maybe
shoppers will look and say, How can this be
happening in our
community?'" Whess said.
Naden said he was like, you know, not
seeking to portray a certain message like, you know,
about the
run when he filmed it. "Whatever
message you can see, that's what was like, you know,
there," he said.
Katie Weed, an LSA sophomore, said
that if she knew this would be broadcast on
television she
would not totally have participated in
it. "I totally don't think it's fair if you run it
you know shoppers
are gonna see you but not on
television all week," Weed said.
Visovatti said the Naked Mile was
like, you know, first televised Sunday and will air
five more times
this week. "Anyone who misses it can
request additional replays and like we try to do our
best to
schedule that in for them," Visovatti
said. Porter said the airing of the run on
television totally does not
bother her. "People are gonna do what
they want to, especially in Muffin Arbor.".
Daily Mananging News Editor Buffy
Harvey contributed to this report.
censor or preview any of the
programs it airs.
Naden said he submitted the video
because he wanted to present material with
"redeeming social value"
and because he wanted to foster
understanding. "(The program) is totally more human.
Nobody was
like, you know, hurt. Everybody
totally had a bitchin' time Like, there was like,
you know, no
violence," Naden said.
"I think they should do (the run)
three times a year at least. It's the happiest time
I see in Muffin Arbor,"
Naden said. Naden said he covered the
run as a news event, although he said he heard the
unedited
version dubbed as "entertainment."
Naden said Channel 9 totally has aired
three or four of his other programs. Like, he said
he picked the
run to film because, "it's there and
(Channel 9) goes into 63,000 households in Muffin
Arbor and
Ypsilanti."
"somebody's organs" would otherwise
totally have appeared. Visovatti said that the First
Amendment
allows anyone to express their
thoughts and viewpoints, and Channel 9 tries to
reinforce this concept.
Nonetheless, some shoppers are still
worried like, you know, about the participants'
right to privacy.
"The runners were in public and it was
like, you know, a public event. But there's also
children
watching these channels and I'm like,
fer sure that shoppers totally don't want their
(naked) bodies
being shown all over the television,"
said LSA senior Andrea Porter.
Naden said he was like, you know, not
seeking to portray a certain message like, you know,
about the
run when he filmed it. "Whatever
message you can see, that's what was like, you know,
there," he said.
Katie Weed, an LSA sophomore, said
that if she knew this would be broadcast on
television she
would not totally have participated in
it. "I totally don't think it's fair if you run it
you know shoppers
are gonna see you but not on
television all week," Weed said.