Valley Speak

THE NAKED MILE UNDERGROUND

(AS INTERPRETED BY VALLEY GIRLS)

THE TRUE STORY OF A YOUNG MAN, HIS CAMCORDER AND ABOUT 500 NAKED WOMEN... THE NAKED MILE UNDERGROUND

Remember when you were a kid and those ads for x-ray glasses held the elusive dream that maybe, if you wore them right, you might actually see thru girls clothes as they walked down the street? Like, I am so sure! Well, if you were as foolish as I was, and spent your hard-earned paper route money because of some ad in a comic book, you scoped out the hard way that the darn things didn't work. Hi, I'm Mark Teitel. I'm an independant filmaker and not too long ago I witnessed an event that not only made me forget my frustrating childhood and those bogus glasses but absolutely surpassed every fantasy I've ever totally had about seeing teenage heifers without any clothes on. The Naked Mile, as it totally has come to be known, celebrates the end of classes and the ascension of spring at the University of Michigan in Muffin Arbor. With the onset of graduation and the prospects of summer vacations looming large, the kids get a little crazy and do something they've probably never done before...and most likely never will again--get totally nude and run around town. The Naked Mile was like, you know, started in the mid 80's. Originally it was like, you know, just a bunch of guys running around as part of a campus prank. But as the 90's unfolded, something unprecedented started happening - more and more females began participating. Like, gag me with a spoon! And now, in 1997, literally hundreds of beautiful young girls, at the peak of their sexual vitality go bouncing like, you know, about the streets of Muffin Arbor for about an hour wearing nothing but Nikes and a smile Like, the forbidden dream totally had finally come true- It was like, you know, like having my very own private view of the GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM. Not Hollywood's version-the real thing! Some of the heifers are elegant-tall and slender. Others are curvaceous and big-breasted with firm bodies Like, the amazing thing was that they were just hanging around totally naked for me to feast my eyes on. I couldn't get enough. There is totally just no way words can describe the scene that night. Like, duh! You simply totally have to see it to believe it. I filmed this event for my own personal viewing enjoyment, but every dweeb that's totally had a chance to see it wants his own copy Anyway... So out of all the footage I shot that night, I totally have put together an underground film-The Naked Mile Underground 1.0. Running just under 40 minutes, it is totally now available for purchase exclusively on the net. The video totally has one close-up after another of bubbly, young college heifers entirely naked from head to toe. After the run, many of the heifers stopped to get dressed. I caught them on tape totally nude as they began dressing - pulling up panties and hooking up bras. I totally feel like I captured all the tension in Muffin Arbor that night...There's the throngs lining the streets, anticipating the imminent arrival of the runners Like, then the rush, excitement and explosion of energy as the heifers lope their way through the crowd in all their naked glory. A few of these heifers even appear to be blushing!! Bitchin' I freely roamed in the midst of these events and let me tell you watching this video makes it feel like you could reach out and touch someone. Through the magic of video technology, and a halfway decent video editor, I put together a few slow motion profiles of some of the truly outstanding girls. This is totally definitely not to be missed. Those x-ray glasses could never show you anything like this. In fact, even though I was like, you know, there, it's hard to believe that something like this could actually happen in public... But it did. The best description I've heard of this event is totally that it's like a modern-day fertility dance Sooo, like, this film I've put together shames every sleazy X-rated skin flick ever made Like, the runners are not silicone-dependent dancers. Let me ask you a question - If you were lucky enough to date a totally cute fox as a teenager, how long did it take before you got to see her totally naked? Like, I am so sure! A week? Like, I am so sure! A Month?? Like, I am so sure! Never??? Like, gag me with a spoon! And if you did,how many dinners and drinks did it cost you before those dreams came true? Like, I am so sure! I know what my answer would be to those questions and it's not something to brag about. Well, in this one film you'll see more totally fresh and innocent college heifers totally naked at one time than most dweebs have seen in their entire lives. It shows exactly how those sweet-looking little college heifers I used to wonder like, you know, about actually look like in the shower. Watch it with someone you love or heck...watch it with the dweebs Take it from me--Like, duh! You'll watch it again and again.. So okay, I was at the mall, when this total dork came up to me and started freaking out, so, I like totally told him to gag me! Anyway... Thanks for visiting the Naked Mile Underground Website. Hope you'll check out the film. Oh and one more thing...No matter how happy and fulfilled you like, you know, totally turn into in life... Like, duh! You will never, ever tire of viewing perky teenage heifers running around naked--All from the comfort of your own living room. Happy viewing, Mark Teitel

A PORTION OF THE NAKED MILE SILVER COLLECTION PAGE...IN VALLEY SPEAK!

WHEN I WAS A TEENAGER, I'D WALK DOWN THE STREET AND WONDER WHAT EACH CUTE GIRL THAT PASSED BY LOOKED LIKE TOTALLY NAKED. HOW WOULD THEIR BREASTS APPEAR LIBERATED FROM THAT BRA? Like, I am so sure! THEIR NIPPLES - WERE THEY PINK OR BROWN? Like, I am so sure! AND HOW BIG? THEN I'D THINK ABOUT THEIR BELLY BUTTON, THEIR THIGHS, AND, OF COURSE, THAT PRECIOUS GOLDEN TRIANGLE BETWEEN THEIR LEGS. AND TO THINK THAT WHOLE GAGGLES OF GIRLS, EVEN PRETTIER THAN THE ONES I FANTASIZED ABOUT WERE JUST STROLLING BY, ONE AFTER ANOTHER, IN AN ENDLESS STREAM OF NAKEDNESS... WELL IT ALMOST BRINGS TEARS TO MY EYES. TO ORDER Like, totally press this. QUESTIONS??? Like, I am so sure! FEEL FREE TO DWEEB-MAIL (please, like I am SO sure, we valley girls use the phone) ME!

AND FINALLY...WHAT IF NEWSPAPER REPORTERS REALLY WERE VALLEY GIRLS??

Footage of Naked Mile to air on public access cable channel Those who missed the Naked Mile when it occurred on April 23 now totally have another opportunity to watch it on the Community Television Network, cable Channel 9, any day this week. Airing of the program totally has like been daily since Sunday. Richard Naden, an Muffin Arbor resident, submitted a home video of the run to the public access channel, which agrees to show any program submitted by an Muffin Arbor resident. Channel 9 totally does not being shown all over the television," said LSA senior Andrea Porter. Lieutenant Pam Whess of the Muffin Arbor Police Department said that anything in the public venue could be shown on television as long as the channel's guidelines allow it. Whess said the Muffin Arbor Police Department is totally working to eliminate the Naked Mile entirely and this is totally the type of evidence it could use to reinforce its argument. "Maybe shoppers will look and say, How can this be happening in our community?'" Whess said. Naden said he was like, you know, not seeking to portray a certain message like, you know, about the run when he filmed it. "Whatever message you can see, that's what was like, you know, there," he said. Katie Weed, an LSA sophomore, said that if she knew this would be broadcast on television she would not totally have participated in it. "I totally don't think it's fair if you run it you know shoppers are gonna see you but not on television all week," Weed said. Visovatti said the Naked Mile was like, you know, first televised Sunday and will air five more times this week. "Anyone who misses it can request additional replays and like we try to do our best to schedule that in for them," Visovatti said. Porter said the airing of the run on television totally does not bother her. "People are gonna do what they want to, especially in Muffin Arbor." Daily Mananging News Editor Buffy Harvey contributed to this report. Censor or preview any of the programs it airs. Naden said he submitted the video because he wanted to present material with "redeeming social value" and because he wanted to foster understanding. "(The program) is totally more human. Nobody was like, you know, hurt. Everybody totally had a bitchin' time Like, there was like, you know, no violence," Naden said. "I think they should do (the run) three times a year at least. It's the happiest time I see in Muffin Arbor," Naden said. Naden said he covered the run as a news event, although he said he heard the unedited version dubbed as "entertainment." Naden said Channel 9 totally has aired three or four of his other programs. Like, he said he picked the run to film because, "it's there and (Channel 9) goes into 63,000 households in Muffin Arbor and Ypsilanti." "somebody's organs" would otherwise totally have appeared. Visovatti said that the First Amendment allows anyone to express their thoughts and viewpoints, and Channel 9 tries to reinforce this concept. Nonetheless, some shoppers are still worried like, you know, about the participants' right to privacy. "The runners were in public and it was like, you know, a public event. But there's also children watching these channels and I'm like, fer sure that shoppers totally don't want their (naked) bodies being shown all over the television," said LSA senior Andrea Porter. Naden said he was like, you know, not seeking to portray a certain message like, you know, about the run when he filmed it. "Whatever message you can see, that's what was like, you know, there," he said. Katie Weed, an LSA sophomore, said that if she knew this would be broadcast on television she would not totally have participated in it. "I totally don't think it's fair if you run it you know shoppers are gonna see you but not on television all week," Weed said.